Personal thoughts from a District Nursing Student following the loss of her father

We were very moved to receive the following letter from Juliet Shaw, a district nursing student.

She writes.....

'As a nurse trained in Oncology, and then working on the Community I have been privileged to have been involved in the end of life care for quite a few patients. And it is a privilege because as nurses it is the last thing we can do for a patient and their family. So we want to get it right, and make a difference to the patient by achieving a peaceful, pain free death, and to the family by giving their relative the care which is held in their memories as compassionate and kind. When relatives are sad and need comfort, you can empathise and image how they might feel, by trying to put yourself in their position, but actually as I have learnt you can't really imagine the heartache.

My Dad passed away in February. He was ill for 25 years and for that whole time, I think I was expecting something to happen at any time Even when he was well and in remission I constantly worried about him, but his spirit was so very strong! He lived for the day: he could spend a day having a blood transfusion, and then be back playing his beloved drums at a gig the next day (He was an amazingly well known jazz musician!). Having that passion for music, I am sure made the difference to his life in those last years, and he was always smiling even when I know he was feeling awful.

Even though he knew, and told us that he could feel that his life was coming to an end, it was still a big shock, which you can't under-estimate. I was surprised at this, because I thought I was prepared, but really how can you ever be prepared for losing someone that you love.

Bereavement is a funny thing; it just catches you when you are not expecting it, like a pang in the centre of your chest! It is very individual; I know that, no two situations can possibly be the same! This personal experience has given me so much that I can take forward into practice when caring for people and their families at the end of life.

Some of the things that have made a difference to me which I hope might help others when caring for the bereaved are:

If you don't know what to say, and you know the person very well, many people find a simple hug very comforting.

Empathise, but don't say that you know how they feel, because it really is very individual!
Always have a box of tissues at the ready.

A simple, thoughtful gift , especially if it is personally delivered, is often hugely appreciated. This can be particularly helpful if you are worried about saying 'the wrong thing'

Be prepared for someone to be upset at unexpected moments, it may only be a momentary blip and then they will be Ok again!

Planting a favourite tree, or a plant somewhere special, can help connect with memories.

Keep up the support, but encourage living and laughter!'